Sunday, March 14th, 2021. 9:17 AM.
This is so complicated. Most people won’t want to read it. It’s so long – about twelve pages. Others just won’t care. “Hey, that’s his problem – not mine. I’ve got my own problems. Why should I look at his?”
Maybe we all have the same problem:
The Human Condition
How Did It Happen?
Writing Out Loud
I Miss Eileen So Much
Because I want to love somebody – some One
But – not just any one;
I want to love Eileen
Why only Her?
Because She Is the One I Love
And how did that happen?
I don’t know exactly how it happened
Well, how do you think it happened?
Eileen happened to come to my 4th-grade class at St. Charles School in September of 1961
I guess that’s how it began to happen.
Did you fall in love with her right away?
No. She was so skinny in 4th grade – almost frail – like a lily of the valley, maybe.
“I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
As a lily among brambles,
so is my love among the young women.” -Song of Solomon 2:1, 2 ESV Study Bible.
Well, then, how did it happen?
Well, by 7th grade I was beginning to notice her; she wasn’t skinny anymore – she was just beginning to bloom — like a most beautiful flower of Springtime.
She was becoming so pretty;
And by 8th grade I was wanting my desk to be near her desk in class.
In fact, for a while, Eileen’s desk was near mine – and then one day – her desk was suddenly on the other side of the classroom.
And then we graduated from St. Charles School in 8th grade in 1966
And at Woonsocket Junior High School it wasn’t the same at all in 9th grade – Eileen wasn’t there;
And she wasn’t there in 10th grade, either.
And then, in September of 1968 – in 11th grade – in my homeroom — Eileen was there!
But then, a few weeks later, she was not there. I still don’t know what that was all about.
And 8 years later we met again in May with the Rhode Island Hikers Club
And we enjoyed a romantic summer together for about 3 months – May to August
And then, that ended.
And 47 years have nearly passed now — it’s 2021. Instead of being 21 and 22, we are 68 and 69.
And you know what?
Eileen still has that influence over me.
A romantic influence. Eileen Spell
Remember a musical called God Spell?
You still want your desk in class next to hers, don’t you, boy?
Yes, I do.
You still get that Springtime feeling for her, don’t you, son?
Yes, I do.
And another thing . . .
What other thing?
In 1980 – through The Woonsocket Call – I “met” someone else who had the same birthday as Eileen – except that she was ten years younger than Eileen. And we corresponded by letters for about two years. And in March these words came to me:
“The March wind is blowing –
The buds are beginning to swell;
Soon the leaves will be turning green
And on my mind is Sandra Jeanne.”
And the names Eileen and Sandra Jeanne rhyme.
And once, I was walking in Oak Hill Cemetery off Rathbun Street in Woonsocket, Rhode Island – and I came upon a tall tombstone. And there was a lady buried there. And on her tombstone was her birthdate – the same date as Eileen’s and Sandra Jeanne’s. And on the opposite side of that same tombstone was the name of a man whose birthdate was the same as mine. In that story, Eileen’s name was changed to Irene; and Sandra’s name was changed to Sonya.
And, I guess, some seed of love was planted in my heart – from Eileen’s presence in my life at those times of long ago.
And it is growing stronger and deeper as I’m growing older.
I just want to give this love to Eileen; or, maybe, I just want to be in her presence –
To Be in This Love with Eileen.
Eileen, don’t get nervous; I’d be thankful just to see you again. And I’d be overwhelmed just to be in your presence again – like a mouse in the presence of the house cat.
Like a river that just wants to flow to its destination and give itself to Her — or merge with her – like a river that reaches the reservoir . . .
“To Her With Love”
Eileen became a third-grade teacher
Whitney Houston – One Moment In Time
Whitney Houston’s song and that video just made me cry – it really did.
But, please understand that I understand that falling in love is not at all like winning a gold medal
It is not about self-achievement.
It is not about the glory of man
It is about the glory of God – Who Is Love and Light and Spirit
It is about Him – not me
It is about the Other – not self
Love is more about giving – than receiving
And yet, someone has to receive that Love
It must go to someone . . .
Wedding Song (There Is Love) (Remastered Version)
Please Come to Boston
John Denver / Cat Stevens / Don Mclean-Greatest Selection
Hey boy, what’s with all these songs?
Well, in the absence of Eileen writing to me, I listen to love songs. And write.
Is that all you’re going to do for the rest of your life?
What else can I do, if Eileen doesn’t write back to me?
Didn’t Eileen text you on May 27th last year that you could call her once in a while if you felt like talking?
Yes, she did.
Well, why don’t you call her, then?
I texted back to her that I love you. And that I had been thinking of her constantly since our phone call a few hours earlier. And I addressed her as Lady Eileen.
And then what happened?
She texted back to me that I shouldn’t be thinking of her like I do. And to push her out of my mind and forget about her. And “have a nice life. . . signing off.” And I haven’t gotten another message from her since then – 9 and a half months ago. Now my heart is like a pregnant mother-to-be that needs to deliver my baby – and sshe isn’t there for me. She seems to have just left me to take care of our love baby all by myself. But, this love baby needs a mother. I can’t mother this love baby all by myself.
God, why is she doing this to me? Or why is this happening. Is this all from You, God?
Maybe she doesn’t know the Lord. And so, she has no idea how to love this baby Jesus that wants to be born in her heart; so, she’s practicing avoidance and denial. Many people experience the fear of the LORD to such an extent that they just panic when it comes to God. Were you ever afraid of the LORD God, Mark?
No. I had something else instead of fear.
What did you have?
Guilt and anxiety.
Guilt about what?
You felt guilty about sin – even as a young boy?
Yes, I did. I was preoccupied as a child with feelings of guilt and it made me have obsessive thoughts about sin. And Eileen says I’m obsessive, too.
Were you doing that as a young boy?
Well, at 7 years old, I accidentally discovered masturbation while trying to shimmy up a pear tree in our yard. [I had seen on TV someone shimmy up a tall palm tree]. And after doing this more than once – trying to shimmy up that tree, I stopped what I was doing and put my two hands together and was praying right at that pear tree in our backyard. I was saying in my heart to God: If this is a sin, God, please help me to stop doing it.” And at that moment, I heard the voice of my mother. I looked up and saw her at the pantry window of our third-floor apartment on Sweet Avenue. The window was open and she was calling, “Mark . . . Mark. Come up here, Mark.” So, I went up to our apartment at 7 years old. And Mom told me to take off my clothes and get in the tub. And then, when I was in the tub taking a bath, Mom told me that what I had done was a mortal sin; and that I had to go to confession the next day and confess my sin or I would go to hell; and never do that again. So, the next day, a Saturday, I went to St. Ann’s Church on Cumberland Street in Woonsocket; and in the confessional, I confessed my sin. And as much as I wanted to do it again, I did not do it again until I was 17 and seeing a psychiatrist because I was having very troubling thoughts that I was going to kill someone — anyone.
Why were you having ssuch thoughts?
Well, at 17 years old, things were happening in my family.
Things with my mother.
What was going on with your mother?
She was very angry. I saw her hit my dad with her fists pounding his chest. She lunged at him violently, madly. And was pummeling his chest. More than once, I saw this – in 1968 in the Wintertime. And I started having thoughts like this: If this can happen to my mother – and I’m related to my mother – then maybe these sudden attacks of madness could happen to me. Maybe, I’ll suddenly become violent, too. And other things were happening, too.
What other things?
I was having episodes of extreme rectal pain. I would go to bed at night and while waiting to fall asleep, this throbbing rectal pain would start happening. It hurt so much, sometimes, I thought I would faint. And I had extreme anger in my heart toward my brother who slept in the same bed. So, I told my mother that I was afraid I was going to kill someone, and about the rectal pain. Not long after that, I came home from school and she told me I had an appointment to see our doctor. He examined me and found nothing wrong. Then, another time, I came home from school and my mother told me I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist in Cumberland: Dr. Frank D. E. Jones on Mendon Road. I saw him a little while later. After he and I talked for a while, he called my mother into the consultation room. He told her that she had a dominating personality. And he may have made one other observation about her that I can’t recall anymore. And then, I started seeing that psychiatrist once every two weeks at Northern RI Community Mental Health Center, Inc. at 54 Hamlet Avenue for 5 years. And I was on a tranquilizer – Serax – during that time. And the fear that I was going to kill someone went away; but, the rectal pain episodes continued to happen several times a year until my early 60s. And then, they stopped. And it was only in my 50s, I guess, that I began to wonder, if, maybe, I had been sodomized while sleeping as a teenager that brought about both the rectal pain episodes and the anger and the fear that I was going to kill someone. I still don’t know why I had those very painful episodes for more than 45 years.
The apostle Paul wrote about suffering “a thorn was given me in the flesh.” -2 Corinthians 12:1-10. ESV Study Bible.
Are you still concerned that you might kill someone?
No; but the way the world is these days is upsetting. I have angry thoughts sometimes about that: politics [making abortion legal]; healthcare industry [it seems that psychiatric visits became focused on getting patients in and out of the office as quickly as possible]; public education [no public prayer in public schools – but they will teach young students how to use a condom for fornicating; how to change their gender; how to get an abortion, etc.].
And what about Eileen?
I don’t know. She isn’t writing to me. Not one word since May 27th, 2020.
Why don’t you just do what she texted you: Push her out of your mind and forget about her?
How do you push love out of your heart and forget about it? That’s not God’s Way. That is the world’s unbelieving and ungodly way. And look at how the world is, today.
So, what are you going to do, today?
Well, if it be the Lord God’s will, this letter may be published; so others can see that no matter what we go through in life, God can help us. And if we believe the gospel of Jesus Christ we have A Sure Hope that there is something much better in store for us than what we experience in this life. And you know what else?
I hear from Eileen sometimes – in my heart. She speaks kindly to me – in the Spirit. We are learning to get along like two little love birds in the Spirit.
“I, John, your brother and partner in the tribulation and the kingdom and the patient endurance that are in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos on account of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus. I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet saying, ‘Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches, to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea.’” -Revelation 1:9-11. ESV Study Bible.
Revelation 1-9 ESV
“So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. Thus it is written, ‘The first man Adam became a living being’; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.” -1 Corinthians 15:42-49. ESV Study Bible.
“I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
“The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” -1 Corinthians 15:50-58. NIV Study Bible.
Hey . . . what is this desk that you want to be so close to Eileen’s desk, anyway?
What is it about desks that want to be so close to each other?
What is that all about, really?
So, what are you going to do, today?
I don’t know; but, Springtime will be here in 8 days; maybe something will happen.
Maybe Eileen will appear again . . .
I don’t know . . . maybe . . .
I Miss Eileen so much . . . my heart yearns for her.
And if you saw Eileen again . . . what would you say to her?
Well, many years ago, I did see Eileen sometimes: at the library and at the supermarket and even walking by me on a sidewalk at Walnut Hill Plaza.
And what did you say to her?
I could only say, “Hi Eileen.” As we went by each other.
Why could you only say those two words to her?
I don’t know; maybe because love hurts so much it makes the heart feel like it’s about to die; so it becomes as quiet as a mouse.
Could it be that’s why Eileen does not write back to you; and doesn’t call you; nor text you?
I don’t know. It could be; or it could be that she just isn’t interested; or, maybe she doesn’t understand.
Doesn’t understand what?
Doesn’t understand spiritual things. Maybe she isn’t born again as Jesus said to Nicodemus:
“Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, ‘Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no man can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.’ Jesus answered him, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.’ Nicodemus said to him, ‘How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?’ Jesus answered, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.’ “Nicodemus said to him, ‘How can these things be?’ Jesus answered him, ‘Are you the teacher of Israel and yet you do not understand these things? Truly, truly, I say to you, we speak of what we know, and bear witness to what we have seen, but you do not receive our testimony. If I have told you earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you heavenly things? No one has ascended into heaven except he who has descended from heaven, the Son of Man. And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. -John 3:1-15 ESV Study Bible.
Well, why don’t you call her and ask her?
She scolds me when I call her.
Maybe that’s just her defense mechanism acting up.
I don’t know; but, I remember reading something in Song of Solomon that might be relevant here.
What is it?
Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4 ESV
Anything else you’d like to add, son?
Well, what is it?
It’s about Eileen’s name
What about her name?
Eileen means “light”
Ann means “gracious”
Ambrose means “Immortal”
And what do you think of those meanings of her name?
They are beautiful and lovely
Son, I believe you are in love with Eileen.
Neil Diamond – I Dreamed a Dream (Studio Version) 1987 by JPM
Genesis 1-8 ESV
John 1-5 ESV
Revelation 17-22 ESV
GOD’S WAY OF SALVATION (JOHN 3:16)
COMING SOON (EXPANDED VERSION, KJV)
Vinesong – Holy Spirit Move Me Now (Lyric Video)
“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” -Colossians 3:17. ESV Study Bible.
I Love You, Eileen
And In the kingdom of God there is no such thing as pushing you out of my mind and forgetting about you. And that’s how It happened.
True Love is Immovable – just ask Shakespeare:
Eileen! In the name of the Lord Jesus, Be born again! ; so that you may see by the light of Christ – the kingdom of God; and be able to enter His Kingdom, by the grace of God. “And from his fulness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father’s side, he has made him known.” -John 1:16-18. ESV Study Bible.
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fulness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” -Psalm 16:11. ESV Study Bible.